My social experiment in life has been to love. To see people honestly and truthfully with beauty and wisdom inside them, and now I find tonight was hard, I walked the streets of NYC in tears trying to make sense of what I'm currently doing, I decided to take a yoga teacher training course and move to New York to be closer to my family and complete the course while I'm here just to have something to do that will occupy my time and thoughts while I apply to school. I ended up in tears when the teacher confronted me about not contacting her to arrange for payment. She was really upset with me and touched me on the shoulder in a sort of way that felt like she was pushing me, though she didn't use force it was an energy that said you're not welcome here! I left in tears and didn't know where to turn I just wanted to run away, mostly from myself, I thought maybe if I kept going I'd somehow disappear. I've had this feeling before. It's engulfing and strong, it tells me that the things around me in this world are stronger, there are these forces often other humans who are stronger than me and will not allow me to be here. I know it's a strong response. For a while leading up to this yoga training I had a voice inside tell me not to do it it said NO! I don't want to do this! But I ignored this voice, it comes from a place of wanting to be good I feel I'm not good, I'm not doing anything worthy with my time on earth, I'm just a nobody wandering around here, that's how it feels sometimes. I don't want to go away I love life but I don't want to live so lonely, so scared. I want to be "okay" like others could look at me and say she is.... And I will think of myself as someone else and say I am... I know this thinking is unhealthy I can hear it when I read this, I can imagine others reactions to my strange words and ideas, how dare I express such BS? I'm just feeling a lot here. There is a moment in time when all the love and purity I feel turns hard and rough, I see the person look at me with hate and anger and I feel I'm not good anymore. I feel angry and afraid, I loose myself. But I've learned in my travels not to blame another, only myself. I need to see what I've done, how I've thought, why I'm experiencing unease. I didn't want to come here and do this teacher training, I thought this is what I would do if I was normal. I thought somehow I could think myself into another reality and just do. I'm scared, I'm scared of loosing myself, my mind, my honesty, my sense of dignity and peace. I find it sometimes. I'm scared to loose it, to fall back into complacent fear and want to do nothing but impress others and show them I am.... Someone. I found recently this idea that if someone does something they don't want to do in order to achieve a necessary means they are shooting themselves in the foot, you know they end up hurt because they only fooled themselves no one else was fooled by their desire to get from point A to point B that's not life that's self indulgence. Our culture wishes to say that you must only decide your fate and then you live it, okay but you need to live every step getting there too and if that joy or ecstasy you believe lies on the other side of what you must do is not reflected in the process of what you are doing you might as well shoot yourself in the foot.

This unexpectedly tied into my horoscope from Rob Brezsny:
Two years ago a British man named Sean Murphy decided he had suffered enough from the painful wart on his middle finger. So he drank a few beers to steel his nerves, and tried to blast the offending blemish off with a gun. The operation was a success in the sense that he got rid of the wart. It was less than a total victory, though, because he also annihilated most of his finger. May I suggest that you not follow Murphy's lead, Scorpio? Now is a good time to part ways with a hurtful burden, but I'm sure you can do it without causing a lot of collateral damage.