Today I walked back to my hotel through the foresty side of the path that overlooks the Ganges. Covered by trees on both sides it's calm and exciting, usually not much activity in these parts but sometimes you'll see Indian tourists regular tourists and the babas strolling through as well as the occasional motorcycles that are usually cocky and sexist. I ran into a woman who looked poor but greeted me with a smile, for some reason my instincts did tell me to get off the path right before she approached me and I did but still she headed over and showed me a sign written in English. She told me she cleans the Ganges every morning and evening....then she spoke about being poor and having a drunk husband who left her. I gave her some moral and emotional support and then told her i needed to go. I said I might come the next morning to help but she had a disappointed look on her face. She said she was 28 but her face was full of wrinkles. I walked on and thought many thoughts one of which was posting something on this blog. It's been a while. The past few months ive learnt to willingly give up things and let go. It's been liberating and scary. But still I've managed to hold onto a sense of old security that comes from depriving myself of what I feel or most want, most Abe so it's not taken away from me or maybe just to protect myself from others prodding into my wealth of happiness and enthusiasm at life. Yet i seek what i want with much enthusiasm though fear showing it which obviously doesnt llow me to attract it. There is much to celebrate and much to gain, but at the moment I'm a bit down. I've had some major stomach issues the past week and I feel the need to relax but I also feel an urgent need to make a decision, so many decisions, about a job and how to get back home. Do I go straight to my parents to see my elder sister who has hurt me or do I go home to San Francisco in search of an actual home. Do I stay at school studying psychotherapy or do I do something outrageously different like work with animals and open a restaurant. It's confusing and I stay up all night thinking about it and thinking about a guy I met long ago. I sense I need some water, food, and a mental calm balm of no matter what you dothe world will not explode, you can keep breathing and smiling with ease. I just realized something as I typed the reality is never hard but if your path is unclear it's much harder. I went to see an astrologer a few days ago who told me about my life, he knew so many things but made it sound like a fairy tale. For instance he asked me to pull up my pants and when I wouldn't asked if I had long hair saying its because in a past life I worked with animals and saying my aunt was my step mother and beat me. If that is so its pretty amazing that in this life I got her gentle and sweet sister as a mother. But maybe that's also the fairylike version, you get what you deserve and I know I deserve my loving parents and I'm sure they deserve me.
Friday, August 24, 2012
A note from India.
Today I walked back to my hotel through the foresty side of the path that overlooks the Ganges. Covered by trees on both sides it's calm and exciting, usually not much activity in these parts but sometimes you'll see Indian tourists regular tourists and the babas strolling through as well as the occasional motorcycles that are usually cocky and sexist. I ran into a woman who looked poor but greeted me with a smile, for some reason my instincts did tell me to get off the path right before she approached me and I did but still she headed over and showed me a sign written in English. She told me she cleans the Ganges every morning and evening....then she spoke about being poor and having a drunk husband who left her. I gave her some moral and emotional support and then told her i needed to go. I said I might come the next morning to help but she had a disappointed look on her face. She said she was 28 but her face was full of wrinkles. I walked on and thought many thoughts one of which was posting something on this blog. It's been a while. The past few months ive learnt to willingly give up things and let go. It's been liberating and scary. But still I've managed to hold onto a sense of old security that comes from depriving myself of what I feel or most want, most Abe so it's not taken away from me or maybe just to protect myself from others prodding into my wealth of happiness and enthusiasm at life. Yet i seek what i want with much enthusiasm though fear showing it which obviously doesnt llow me to attract it. There is much to celebrate and much to gain, but at the moment I'm a bit down. I've had some major stomach issues the past week and I feel the need to relax but I also feel an urgent need to make a decision, so many decisions, about a job and how to get back home. Do I go straight to my parents to see my elder sister who has hurt me or do I go home to San Francisco in search of an actual home. Do I stay at school studying psychotherapy or do I do something outrageously different like work with animals and open a restaurant. It's confusing and I stay up all night thinking about it and thinking about a guy I met long ago. I sense I need some water, food, and a mental calm balm of no matter what you dothe world will not explode, you can keep breathing and smiling with ease. I just realized something as I typed the reality is never hard but if your path is unclear it's much harder. I went to see an astrologer a few days ago who told me about my life, he knew so many things but made it sound like a fairy tale. For instance he asked me to pull up my pants and when I wouldn't asked if I had long hair saying its because in a past life I worked with animals and saying my aunt was my step mother and beat me. If that is so its pretty amazing that in this life I got her gentle and sweet sister as a mother. But maybe that's also the fairylike version, you get what you deserve and I know I deserve my loving parents and I'm sure they deserve me.
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